Saoirse Grace
August 1st, 2016, 3:06am
7lbs, 8oz, 19 ¼”
It’s hard to tell where the birth journey started, as I
usually experience contractions throughout my pregnancies, this being no
exception. During the week before Saoirse’s birth, I had been feeling some
fairly intense contractions (for Braxton-Hicks, enough to make me take
notice). I taught a more intense class
load that week, 9 classes because of the addition of “Yoga Week” classes: every
morning from 6-7am. I felt very strong physically. I was staring to get a bit
more rattled emotionally as the contractions became stronger and we were not
yet sure where the birth would take place.
On the Friday before Saoirse’s birth, we had an appointment
for an ultrasound and check-in with our partnering OB, Dr. Beatse. At this
point, he would give his recommendation for whether we could birth at the birth
center or at the hospital. On his measurements, he guessed Saoirse was a “big
baby”, measuring at 39 weeks instead of the 36 week gestation we were at. This
concerned him because of the possibility for shoulder dystocia: baby getting
stuck at the shoulders on the way out. I didn’t find myself concerned about
that, given that she is my fourth, that I have had very fast births in the past
and, in my sense, that means that passage way is plenty wide!
Another concern was the management of my blood sugar over
this pregnancy. I had been put on insulin at 11 weeks with Lulu and had also
seen a rise in my blood sugar before pregnancy, so I knew this was an issue to be
dealt with. Right at the beginning of the pregnancy, I had taken sage advice
from our midwife, Ali, to drastically change my diet (17 years as a vegetarian
to eating a low-carb diet of meat and vegetables). I had been able to keep my
numbers in an acceptable range with that change and then the addition of
metformin about halfway through. However, during the last week of pregnancy,
the numbers had gone up. Dr. Beatse’s other concern was that baby would
experience a blood sugar drop at birth. Inside of a hospital, this can be
quickly treated. It can’t be treated in a birth center and would necessitate a
transfer for baby. Birth in the hospital
seemed like the best, safest option at this point. The one caveat: the hospital in Elkhorn, where
Dr. Beatse delivers, is about an hour’s drive from our home. And, our last
labor was 2 hours long.
A huge part of this pregnancy, and the gift of this sweet
girl choosing me as her momma, has been the ability to heal very deeply the
wounds of post-traumatic stress. I had been on this healing odyssey for several
years before getting pregnant. I was afraid when I first found out I was
pregnant because I knew it would mean letting go of the pharmaceutical support
I had come to rely on to keep me steady as I was healing. Throughout the
pregnancy, I had opportunity after opportunity to heal the deeper beliefs and
cellular memory I had embodied for decades.
Now, nearing labor, I felt the anxiety awakened by the health concerns
and the intensifying contractions. I voiced these fears to Dr. Beatse and he
assured me that we could check into the hospital at any time to begin
augmenting the labor process. Luckily, I had been in the delivery room in April
with Dr. Beatse to witness his steady management of slow labor induction with dear
friend Sarah as she birthed Margot. I knew I trusted him and that I was in safe,
careful hands.
We had time to talk this all through on the way home from
Elkhorn. We felt it would be best to take him up on the offer to schedule a
time to go to the hospital. We were pretty set on 8/8, one week from Monday. I
was preparing for a week at home, settling in and beginning different home
measures to stimulate labor.
On Saturday evening, I was awakened by a strong contraction.
And then another. After the second one, my mind began to race uncontrollably. I
became so anxious that labor would begin at home, that we could end up
delivering on the side of the road en route to Elkhorn (there is very little
besides trees and fields between Milwaukee and Elkhorn) and the fear that her
blood sugar would drop. The anxiety triggered the first panic attack I had
experienced in months. I realized later that the feeling of labor setting upon
me was feeling so threatening. I felt so out of control. I didn’t want to enter
into the birth journey this way. We held each other and finally surrendered to
sleep again.
Sunday morning, I awoke with clarity. I would see if I could
have a healing reiki session with my dear friend, Kim. And then I would make an
appointment Monday to have Ali check my cervix. I knew that some dilation was
necessary to do a membrane sweep (a good starting point for slow induction) and
so I wanted that information to make a decision about when we should go to
Elkhorn.
Text
ACB – Jenna and Jess, our doulas:
“Hold tight – things are changing quickly. Ali is checking
my cervix at some point today. Strong contractions in the night. Wanting not to
go into active labor at home, so may be going in tomorrow or Tuesday instead.”
I had a beautiful session with Kim. During the work with
Kim, I felt my nervous system soothed and a return to balance (I have learned
that this is always the case when Kim works on me). She communed with Saoirse
and kept speaking the words “joy” and “ready.” She said that she saw bubbles
when connecting with the baby, bubbles of joy and that she was totally ready to
be born. “She’s ready whenever you are.”
Ali was so generous (as always) and said she would meet me
that day, rather than wait until Monday, and so after the reiki, I planned to
meet Ali at the birth center at 5pm. As
she was beginning to check me, Ali was giving me a little speech about how I
was just 37 weeks and it’s really best if baby can get to 38 or 39 weeks, that
rarely do mommas go into labor at 37 weeks. She found her way to my cervix and
chuckled, “Well,” she said, “You’re about 3 centimeters and your baby’s head is
descending when you laugh. It’s quite cute actually.” She also told me I was
90% effaced. She wanted to know if she should strip my membranes while she was
in there. “Not now!” I said. “I want to be closer to the hospital!”
Ali and I talked through a plan. I asked if I should make a
plan to go to the hospital Monday or Tuesday. She said “Well, if I were you and
I had a strong contraction in the night, I would go to Elkhorn.” I was still
anxious, though getting more excited. It seemed pretty clear that we could go
down to Elkhorn straight away, or see if there was a contraction in the night.
If I slept through the night, we could go in the morning.
I texted Christopher:
“3cm! Pack your bag, it might be tonight. Ali is calling Dr.
Beatse.”
“Wow!!Ok. You’re coming home? To get your bag?”
I came home to find that Christopher had interpreted the
text to mean we were leaving right away. He was in a mad flurry to get bags
packed and things figured out. I gave him a fuller picture of what was up and
we both got busy settling things. Mom would come down in the morning. Lulu
would go to the Basajs for the day until Mom arrived. Christopher was really
nervous and I had an idea: “Should we go to Elkhorn and get a hotel room?”
“Yes!” Ananda was busy making me an eye pillow (she has a different way of
preparing than we do). Kieran and Lulu would stay home for the night and then
Kieran would go off to school and Lulu off to the Basajs in the morning. We hit
the road about 8pm and checked into the Hampton Inn in Elkhorn about an hour
later.
At check-in, the woman greeted us “How are you all tonight?”
Christopher: “SUPER pregnant” We told her the story and she gave us a discount
on our room. We settled into room #213. I took a bath, Christopher and Ananda
packed everything up so that we could get out the door quickly if need be. I
did a bit of yoga, including a bunch of squats and hip circles. I remember
looking at myself in the mirror with my red shirt and palazzo pants and really
loving my body, this moment. We all got into bed and Ananda slept, but
Christopher and I didn’t.
There were a couple of good contractions, nothing that would
send me running just yet. And then a pop! I rolled over and felt the leak, my
water had just broken! I sat up and patted Christopher “Honey! My water broke!”
and we were off. 1:20am. I braced myself and warned Christopher and Ananda that
contractions might come on now fast and furious. But, there were no
contractions after that, not in the hotel room, not in the car on the way over.
We parked and went to the door, found out the main door was not open and walked
over to the ER entrance. The woman at the desk checked me in. Again, no
contractions, still laughing and bantering. A nurse came from the OB ward to
walk us up to room 362: same room as Margot was born in 3 ½ months before.
We met our nurse, Jeanette, and she started to talk through
some birth plan choices (we hadn’t had time to put together a birth plan after
Friday’s ultrasound). During those questions, contractions started again and
they were I-can’t-talk-through-these contractions. I gripped the bed and walked
my hips backward to breathe. I went to the bathroom, sharing with Jeanette that
I had been a doula in this room and imagining the stories that have come out of
this space. Jeanette told me about a momma who stepped over the threshold of
the bathroom, squatted down and had her baby on the bathroom floor.
Right when we got there, Ananda began to set up the room
with all of the beautiful items from our blessingways. She settled a string of
white lights onto the windowsill and draped prayer flags made by the Moon Tribe
girls. She placed items on the table to form an altar. It was so beautiful! And
I could feel a swell in my heart and bones as I imagined these sacred circles,
our tribe, our people, with me now.
I settled into the rocking chair, humming my way through
each contraction. Ananda tried to give
me a rock to hold, but I batted it away. I think she also tried to touch me
during a contraction and I said “no touch!” I had given her a heads up about
that, that I might be brusque and not to take it personally. But thinking back
on it, I feel bad. It all got very intense very quickly.
I transferred to the bed and got on all fours. The
contractions quickly became very intense, moving into transition. The thought
“I can’t do this!” was thundering through my mind as intensely as the
contractions. Ananda was pacing and Christopher was right by my side, rubbing
my back, giving me counter pressure and holding my hand. I remember Christopher
and Jeanette replying to every thing I said with “You are doing it!” And when I
would say “I can’t do this!” Christopher would say, “I want to hear you say ‘I
CAN do this!’” I did implore Christopher to get a vasectomy and swear quite a
bit during contractions. Sometimes, I chanted ooooooommmmmmm. Jenna came in
around this time and set up at the end of the bed and chanted right along with
me. Later, she shared that Christopher’s papa bear energy was so intense, she
stayed back and helped to hold the space energetically.
Dr. Beatse came in at some point (although I didn’t see him
because I was still on hands and knees).
He checked my cervix and I was 7 cm. He asked if I felt an urge to push
yet and I cried “No!” With each thundering contraction, I had been longing for the
urge to push to follow, but contractions kept coming. I remember thinking that
this was the longest transition I had ever had.
Finally, I turned over onto my back. The last 2 or 3
contractions, I felt completely taken over by them. I felt like I was going to
climb right out of my body. I remember mumbling “Baby, come out to me. I want
to hold you, please come out.” The urge to push came on just as intensely as
the contractions and I was instantly pushing with everything. I felt her moving
out and then almost as if I couldn’t get her out any more. I felt like she was
hung up on my tailbone and the pain was super intense. Dr. Beatse said “Keep
pushing, Amy!” (everyone was a little frantic) and then “”Look down, Amy!” and
there she was! He looked over his shoulder and called for Ananda. She came and
put her hands around Saoirse and delivered her to my chest. And then, I called
for Ananda and said, “Come and see your sister!” And she said “I’ve gotta wash
my hands!”
Saoirse was very quiet, just one little squack. Jeanette was
asking her to squack some more, but she also said that she looked really good
and healthy, good color, etc. I just could not believe it was done and that she
was here, in my arms.
Christopher, Jeanette and I marveled as she started the “nipple
crawl”, making her way across my chest to the left nipple to nurse. Dr. Beatse
gave me a stitch and the placenta was delivered. We left the vernix on and by the time we left
the hospital later that morning, it was mostly absorbed. Ananda and Jenna took a break and went to the
family room. Jenna was such a gift to Nani because she had a LOT to process
after the labor and birth. She was also a magical balm for Christopher, as she
helped to bring him some relief through reiki.
After I was cleaned up and made a trip to the bathroom,
Jenna took her leave and Christopher and Ananda went back to the hotel to eat
breakfast. I ordered breakfast from the hospital (potatoes! Yipee!), but it was
hospital food. Sad, undercooked potatoes. I had texted the midwives when
Saoirse was born and Lanette said to let them know if we wanted to come back to
Authentic. I said “Yes!” About 11am, after the pediatrician had a chance to
check out baby, we left the hospital, with 8-hour-old Saoirse in her clothes
and car seat, to head back to Authentic for our postpartum nesting.
Our time in The Nest at Authentic was magical. Eva, the
Authentic receptionist, gave birth across the hall at 9:30pm on the 1st.
We had joked at the beginning of our pregnancies about being there together.
Eva was due July 24th and typically gave birth past 40 weeks.
Saoirse was due August 21st and our babies typically come well
before that. So, Roman and Saoirse were born the same day!
Grandma came first, as she landed in Milwaukee. Shortly
after, the Basajs brought Lulu to meet her sister. Sophie Basaj felt pretty
proud that she was getting to meet the baby before Kieran. (I had texted Kieran
at school to see if he wanted to be picked up to come over, but he was content
to wait until school was over).
All in all, my pregnancy and birth with Saoirse was the
healthiest of all of our births. I can’t even imagine the miracle of her coming
to be my companion on this healing journey.
She continues to be the sweetest baby, almost ridiculously so. We are
all so very much in love with her.
