#smufslife

Ok, I am finally writing this post. I am going to share the SMUFS philosophy with the world.

I honestly don't remember when it started, but I'm sure it had to do with coffee. My partner and I are often working alternate shifts on the home front. I go to bed first, he gets up first. I am home during the day, he is home at night. So, naturally, we pick up where the other left off: domestically, parentally, laundry-ly.  If he is tired at the end of his "shift," he may leave the dinner dishes in the sink. This means that I begin my shift with a sink full of dirty dishes (this, by the way, is NOT SMUFS.)

I'm sure that way back when, I woke up and did not have coffee (wasn't ground, pot wasn't set-up, out of filters, or some variation). And I requested that next time, he set me up for success. In fact, why couldn't we always set each other up for success? As in: keep in mind where your partner is picking up, not just where you are leaving off. Set Me Up For Success: wipe down the highchair tray so I can put the child right in her highchair in the morning, I'll make the dinner and get it in the crockpot for when you get home and instantaneously need to feed four ravenous children. When there is an overnight accident, put those sheets in the washer so that partner can get them in the dryer and someone can get them back on the bed (preferably before the child is being put to bed, but that is pretty high level of SMUFery).

As time has passed, I have begun to consider setting MYSELF up for success, too. Why not?! The other day, we were at story time at the library and they offer snacks. We don't usually do snacks because the kids are so busy playing. But, a couple of weeks ago, I took one of those paper cups, I filled it with pretzel sticks and animal crackers. And guess what? When I was getting the squirmy toddler into the car: Bingo! Animal cracker bribe available! SMUFS!

SMUFS almost always means vaulting into the future, predicting upcoming vulnerable or stressful moments, and using present self awareness to set up said success in advance. I think it is a good way to live. I think it is a kind way to partner.

So, in case it's confusing, I have created a list of SMUFS and NOT SMUFS.

SMUFS
* Set the coffee pot up the night before. One button push, instant heaven.
* Load extra clothes, diapers, snacks for little ones into the car.
* Crock pot. 'Nuff said.
* Bring a plastic bag when you know your kid is going to get muddy, wet, or in some other way kidtastic at the outing-of-the-day.
* Carry 2-4 boxes of mac-n-cheese with you at all times.
* Charge the phone, laptop, iPad, etc, overnight.
* Say, "I'm so glad I got to see you/have breakfast with you/ hang out with you" to anyone, anytime.
* Grind coffee beans when you use the last or second- or third-to-last scoop.


NOT SMUFS
* Leaving the car seat, which you borrowed from one car to the other, in the car that is NOT at home with the kid.
* Not setting the coffee pot up.
* Leaving the kid-who-just-NEEDS-that-one-shirt's shirt in the washer and forgetting to get it transferred to the dryer.
* Running out of coffee (or any staple grocery product, really) and not telling your partner until s/he discovers it when desperately looking for a button to push at 6am.
* Spending the quarter that's in the car EXPLICTLY TO BE USED FOR THE CART AT ALDI, and not replacing it.
* Using the last diaper in the diaper bag and not re-filling it.
* Dropping someone's toothbrush in the garbage and not telling them a). that you dropped it into the garbage and b). that they should probably stop and get a new one on the way home.
* Knowing the cat puked all over the rug, not cleaning it up AND not giving your partner a heads up about the pile of regurgitated goo that they will, no doubt, unwittingly, step RIGHT INTO.

You can see that COFFEE plays a huge part in the SMUFS life of this house. What does SMUFS look like to you?

#smufslife

Love,
Amy

A Meditation for Challenging Relationships

Begin by sitting in a comfortable position with eyes closed lightly. Sit quietly for a little while, just letting yourself land in the present moment. (Note: you may want to do this with a friend and each take turns reading the instructions to the other)

Now, just imagine a person you are having a hard time with, not someone you can easily blow off, like your aunt’s second husband who’s annoying and opinionated (“Don’t try to win over the haters. You are not a Jackass whisperer” – Brene Brown). Bring to heart someone with whom there is some heart connection. The challenges between you could be of a longterm nature or just recent and acute. Although there may be several people that fall into this category, just choose one for now.*

Now imagine this difficult person (the “DP”) is quietly sitting opposite you at eye level. Imagine all the details you can about how the DP looks. Try to let the image become vivid. Do this for a few minutes.

Now, imagine that you switch places and become the DP. Notice first what it is like to be in this body.

How old are you?

How is you health? Do you have any physical discomforts as this person?

What emotions do you feel?

For what do you long?

What kind of thoughts are in your mind?

Spend a few minutes identifying with the DP.

            Now, look at the person sitting opposite you (you are the DP looking at you who began the exercise, i.e., yourself.) As you look at this person who is having such a difficult time with you, think about what it is you want from them. Imagine that the person can actually give you what you want. Now imagine that the person you are looking at gives you whatever it was that you wanted. Notice how you feel having received what you were longing for. Take a little while to go through this whole process.

Now, switch back and become your ordinary self again. Look at the DP again. Notice how you feel having given the DP what s/he wanted. Is it okay with you? Could you really do this? Breathe here, allowing any feelings, thoughts, images to circulate freely through your mind. When you feel ready, allow the images to fade as you become aware of your body again. Open the eyes slowly and sit quietly for a few more minutes.

* Although it may seem as if this practice is directed towards another, “difficult” person, you may find, after the practice, that your own internal shift may effect more than just this relationship. 

Namaste, 

Amy

Isvara Pranidhana

“…the gradual shift within from the external self to the True Self, loosening the hold of my ego and coming to identify with the billion lights within and all around – with what is larger than I… brings me a deep, uncanny relief.”

~ Sue Monk Kidd

I could approach this post the same way I usually do, with full yoga scholar hat on.  If I did that, I would tell you the ways in which the phrase is translated, the take of modern scholars on the meaning in current social contexts, and the way that plays out in our physical and energetic anatomy on the mat.

However, this niyama is personal. It’s as personal as it gets. So personal that it’s universal. When I see the phrase “devotion to the Lord” and consider the diversity of our yoga circles: different religious paths, different spiritual experiences, different lifestyles, etc, etc, my ego worries about pleasing all of those differences with a one-size fits all definition.

Instead, I’m going to go the deeply personal route and describe Isvara Pranidhana from my own experience. I use the yamas and niyamas as an ethical framework for approaching my work in the world (yamas) and my internal work (niyamas). And, even through that good work, my ego perseveres. There is a sense within of trying to control the output following on all this very intentional input. But, in the end, I give it all up. I give it up to my Teacher, to the Earth, to the Universe. I give it up to the All-That-Is which includes me but is certainly not limited to me. And one thing I know is true from years of practicing and teaching yoga, letting go is about the hardest job we can ever do.

So, practice this this month. Let go. Surrender. Trust in Grace. And see if you can glimpse the billion lights within and all around.

Svadhyaya - self-study

Svadhyaya takes the power of tapas and directs and integrates it. We begin to dive deeper, moving past the stilled surface created by our work with the yamas. According to Iyengar, it is reading one’s own book of life, at the same time as writing and revising it.

Svadhyaya is not narcissistic. As we know, this eight limbed path moves towards Samadhi – a realization of our oneness with all that is. Therefore, svadhyaya, although the study of the self, is not limited to the study of the individual personality. It begins there and moves deeper and deeper as we release, through tapas, the masks of separateness.

In asana, we practice svadhyaya as we cultivate an internal gaze – seeing our body from the inside and letting go of external ideas of how our body should look or feel.

As you move through your asana practice, pause after each pose. Actively cultivate the internal gaze of self-reflection. What do you notice? In what way has the pose shifted your energy, your muscles, your bones, your breath? Move thoughtfully through your practice this way, and notice how this perspective begins to follow you off of the mat as well.

Tapas - right effort

Tapas is variously translated as right effort, sustained practice, and heat. Tapas is the heat that burns away impurities as well as that which kindles the sparks of divinity. The heat of tapas is generated by our non-habituated and enthusiastic commitment.

Tapas, therefore, is not a concept only limited to our yoga mats or even to some sort of obtuse philosophical side road. Tapas is the commitment we show towards our mates, towards our children, towards our work in the world, towards ourselves. Cultivating tapas really begins at the source of these commitments. Discipline which becomes competitive or habituated is not tapas. Commitment is chosen out of enthusiasm and connection. We connect to our partners, our work, our children, ourselves in joy and out of that connection, our commitment grows.

Tapas is an important step along the path of the yamas and the niyamas as it is the hinge between the internal and external practice – it is a conscious turning inward toward growth.

In asana, tapas is naturally created as we step onto our mats. Asana burns away toxins and releases impurities. To continue this, we need only make a commitment to stepping onto our mats regularly and enthusiastically connecting our body and our breath.

Santosha - contentment

Yoga Sutra 11.42:

samtosat-anuttamah sukha-labhah

“contentment brings supreme happiness.”

Santosha is a feeling of deep contentment. Although it is not a permanent state, it is also not fleeting, such as the joy one feels at an external event. The state of santosha is an essential ingredient in many of the yamas. For example, the way to stem greed (aparigraha) is to cultivate deep contentment.

And so, as with the other yamas and niyamas, santosha is a cultivated state. It is as natural and available to us as air, we need only open up and allow it. Greeding, hatred, lying, etc all mask santosha. If we can accept that it is our true nature to be content, we can release these masks.

How does contentment come into your work on the mat? In asana, we cultivate this balance between challenging ourselves and non-attachment to outcome. That balance point is santosha. When you are struggling in a pose, moving back and diving into your breath can bring you back to santosha.

Saucha - purity

Saucha, as with all of the yamas and niyamas, strives for cleanliness in thought, word, and deed. We may think exclusively of external cleansing, yet even our notions about being clean can be examined.

Cleansing the body:

Externally: Dinacharya, an ayurvedic guide for daily purification.

Internally: Asana and pranayama, healthy (sattvic) food and herbs

Cleansing the mind:

We have begun the work of cleansing the mind through our practice of the yamas, particularly when we focus our intentions on our thoughts: cultivating non-harming, truthful, pure and nongrasping thoughts.

All work with saucha exists in a cycle, for cleanliness is a transient state. For this reason, we return to our mat on a regular basis, we can read inspirational works, journal, engage in reflective communities, among other things.

Asana practices, particularly heating poses such as utkatasana (chair pose), chaturanga dandasana (four limbed staff pose), and pranayama such as kapalabati (skull shining breath) and nadi shodana (alternate nostril breathing), burn our toxins and impurities. Internal cleanliness radiates beauty and joy. Impurity brings rigidity in the body, mind and energy field. By contrast, internal cleanliness and clarity allows us to come into both physical and energetic balance.

Turning

“As we begin to shift our sense of what our lives are about, we’ll notice that our focus starts to change. Instead of always pre-occupying ourselves with trying to get what we think we want or need, we’ll start to quiet, we’ll start to listen. We’ll wait for that inner prompting. We’ll try to hear, rather than decide, what it is we should do next. And as we listen, we’ll hear our dharma more and more clearly, and so we’ll begin turning more and more of our acts to that place of deeper wisdom. As that happens, all our fascination with our roles and our plans and our desires and our melodramas will begin to fall away. More and more, we will open ourselves to just being the instruments of the dharma. And then we’ll discover that we’ve lost our lives – and found them. “  - Ram Dass

As we transition from working with the yamas (restraints) into the niyamas (observances), we let go of assuming the role of school marm to an untamed mind. We are starting to get a sense of what’s external, including our bodies. We’re getting that it’s not really wise or efficacious to boss our bodies or others around (ahimsa), to be fake (satya), to take what’s not ours, including a deep forward bend when our low back is sore, (asteya), to direct energy towards our most magnificent self as well as the MMS of others (brahmacharya) and to get in our bodies and in our closets that more, more, more of anything doesn’t serve (aprigraha).

We now observe within – we look inward to our natural state – a state of purity, contentment, austerity, self-understanding and surrender.

Oh, no. It’s really there. Trust me.

But, in order to make that transition, we have to take a 180 of sorts. Instead of the arduous discipline of excavating our deepest held violences, falsities, thefts, lust, and greed, we are now just allowing the cleansing wind (prana) to blow all excess away as we watch and listen and begin to open our internal eyes to just how magnificent we truly are. To our innocence, joy, dedication, beauty and absolute and unshakeable support. We won’t decide to be any of these things. We’ll just accept that we are.

In preparation, try this:

Begin by finding a comfortable seated position, closing the eyes lightly, loosening the shoulders down away from the ears, and settling in to focus on the breath.

Deepen your interaction with the breath by drawing the inhale fully into the whole torso – to the front, the sides, the back and all the way down to the tailbone. Let the exhale release its way up the spine. Feel the crown of the head draw up and the spine lengthen. Continue this way as each breath lengthens the spine, creating space between the vertebra. It’s as if you are growing taller with each breath.

Now, begin to open up to the full capacity of the breath, the fullness of life energy (prana) circulating through you. Take a full inhale. Pause and take in an extra sip of breath. Now release the breath, letting go completely. At the end, pause, and, using the strength of your navel chakra, pump the last bit of stale breath out of the body. Repeat this process, and, as you inhale, imagine bringing in everything that’s available to you – breath, and also support, ease, joy: more than you could have imagined. As you exhale, visualize releasing all that doesn’t serve your body, heart and soul: discomfort, toxins, self-limiting beliefs. Actually feel these things leaving your mind, your heart, your body – releasing down into the earth.  Repeat this cycle 10-15 times.

Release the breath work and move back into a steady, easy inhale and smooth exhale. Notice the change in the quality of your breath and your energy (prana). Use this technique whenever you are holding on too tightly or feel blind to your blessings. Know that you have enough, you do enough. You are enough.

xoxoxom

Namaste,

Amy

Aparigraha - non-greeding

When we are greedy, we rob ourselves of contentment. More subtle than asteya (non-stealing), greed is an internal seed which disrupts our ability to accept the flow of goodness in our lives. According to Iyengar, “one should not hoard or collect things one does not require immediately…collection or hoarding of things implies a lack of faith in God and in [one]self to provide for [one’s] future.” The anitidote, Iyengar claims, lies in trust that “everything [one] really needs will come… by itself at the proper time.”

“Whatever you stockpile – be it diamonds, big houses, fame, money, proficiency at advanced yoga poses, or less flashy things, you will inevitably encounter two certainties. First, all will be lost. Second, these things, in and of themselves, will never satisfy your cravings, which are expressions of your feelings of fear and emptiness.” (Lasater, p. 107).

Try these affirmations:

There is enough

You are already whole.

In asana, trust that you have enough – enough energy, enough support, enough breath. In pranayama, work with breath retention. Within the space of retention, consider the pause. Rest in the space of greedlessness: neither grasping for inhale or exhale.

Brahmacharya - Non-lusting

Brahmacarya may be the single most contentious tenet on the yogic path. Perhaps because, on the surface, it appears to draw such a hard and fast line between the ascetic in the cave and the householder. It is classically translated as “chastity” or “celibacy” and not as easily clarified. If you were to really look into the classical roots of this concept, you would almost need to understand the whole of the history of Yoga and all of its branches and manifestations.

Suffice it to say, a more helpful modern interpretation of the word Brahmacarya is to “walk with the divine.” In the same way that a renunciate may choose chastity in the form of sexual celibacy, we householders and modern yogis may choose to purify our own energy (prana). We can do this by staying in the present moment and expressing our prana wisely. We don’t want our energy to leak out in frivolous pursuits. We want to channel it so that we are in line with our dharma, or right path.

In asana, we can work with the energies of the chakras to purify what we manifest in our poses. The “lower” chakras – particularly muladhara, the root chakra, and svadisthana, the sacral chakra – are what tie us to the Earth and our own creativity. We channel that energy up and through our heart, anahata chakra, and manifest it into the world. A great practice for this is udiyanna bandha, or the abdominal lock.

In general, consider your own energy in your asana practice. When you move into a pose, breathe there and consider the flow of prana through your body. Make any adjustments that feel right to facilitate that flow. Keep your awareness in the present moment – bringing together your body, your breath, your prana as one seamless manifestation of the divine.

Asteya - non-stealing

“The only thing worth stealing is a kiss from a sleeping child.” – Joe Houldsworth

B.K.S. Iyengar calls the impulse of stealing: “The desire to possess and enjoy what another has.” In this regard, in our asana practice, we may be tempted to “steal” a pose that our body isn’t ready for. This then leads back to the first two yamas: ahimsa and staya. Accept your body and be kind to it. This will tame the temptation to move beyond your own body’s limits right now. Further, it can encourage each of us to see our bodies anew with each breath -- meeting our body moment by moment.

Yet, deep within, there is a strong undertone of accepting abundance (pusti) and releasing a fear of scarcity, as stealing “grows from believing we cannot create what we need” (Aadil Palkhivala). In asana, we may resist moving fully into a pose due to a feeling of lack in regards to our own energy. To counter this, we can cultivate a trust in each pose’s inherent ability to provide the energy required to do it, to breathe, and to accept our own magnificence!

Satya - Truthfulness

“A truth that’s told with bad intent

Beats all the lies you can invent.”

– William Blake

The foundation of yoga, it is said, is love and truth. Ahimsa and Satya go hand-in-hand. Truth is a tricky thing. There is the external truth and the internal truth, or integrity. It may be easier (or not) to tell the truth about something you saw, heard, experienced which was also seen, heard, experienced by another. But, what about our internal experience? What does it mean to be in integrity with our internal truth?

In asana: Are you being truthful about your ability to move into a pose, particularly a challenging pose? If there is major misalignment based on your body’s own chronic holding patterns, is your whole body truthfully executing the pose? Assess yourself honestly. Listen to the truth your body speaks. If you’ve lost your breath, feel more tension than awareness, or go into pain, move back, modify, listen.

How does satya manifest in your work on the mat this week? Are you telling the truth about your own experience? Onsider the interplay of ahimsa and satya. When I am truthful about my own body, it is natural to treat my body with awareness and kindness.

What is a meaningful way to work with satya in your daily life? Ask: "Are my thoughts truthful? Are my words truthful and in integrity? Are my actions truthful?" Take one small step in your practice of satya.

Settle in to a comfortable, supported reclined position. Beginning with the physical adjustments of your body, listen in for your body’s truth about its needs for comfort and support.

 A meditative journey with Satya

Extend the body long to unwind any contractions held through the length of the body. If your low back is sore, support it by taking a bolster, pillow, or rolled blanket under the knees. Lengthen the legs and then relax the feet out to the sides.

Shrug the heart center towards the sky and relax the shoulder blades down and in towards the heart. Find a comfortable place for the hands – out to the sides with palms up? Onto the belly to feel the breath? What feels right for this moment?

Roll the head from side to side on the floor or mat to release any tension in the neck. If you’d like, place an eye pillow over the eyes or simply allow the eyes to close and the gaze to turn downwards towards the heart.

As you relax in this comfortable, supported pose, begin to hold this question: What is my truth?  Move through your body, heart, and mind, releasing any tension with the breath. As you create extra space in this moment, continue to hold this question: What is my truth?

Move your awareness slowly through your body from head to fingers and toes. Bring awareness to any parts of the body that feel particularly good, where you feel a sense of your strength, your absolute wellness and utter safety. As you identify places like this, breathe in gratitude. As you exhale, feel that feeling of gratitude expand. Slowly, breath by breath, feel your whole body, your whole heart and mind, filled with gratitude. Let the threads of gratitude weave and fortify this internal space, holding this question: What is my truth?

Relax and ease each part of your body – moving from the crown of the head, over the forehead, under the eyes, through the jaw, the scalp, the neck, the shoulders, the arms, the spine, the torso, the legs and feet.  Imagine the breath as nurturing hands kneeding away the tension and stress of the day. In this space of ease, hold the question: what is my truth?

Feel your breath get easier and easier. Effortless. Feel the systems of the body return to their natural state of wellness. The heart is open and easy. All other thoughts in the mind fade as you hold this singular question: What is my truth?

What is my truth?

After some time, begin to deepen the breath and expand your focus to include your body. Listen into the body as you begin to move again. Gently return to a seated position and begin to live into this question: What is my truth?

Ahimsa (Non-Violence): starting on the mat

Working with Ahimsa means bringing an intention of non-violence into thought, word, and deed. Ahimsa is considered the foundation of yogic ethics.

Violence, according to B.K.S. Iyengar, resides in a person’s “mind and not in the instrument [s/]he holds in his[/her] hand” (1994, p. 32). Ultimately, it is essential to evolve toward the change of thoughts in order to achieve ahimsa.

In asana: begin to witness your body. Let go of competitive ego and expectations and trust that your body is right where it’s supposed to be. Be present to yourself, treat yourself with compassion. Modify when necessary and accept props as appropriate.

What is the tone of your body awareness during asana? Fighting or surrender, dominance or witnessing, attachment or acceptance?

How does the idea of non-harming play out in your life off the mat? Witness your thoughts, listen to your own speech, notice your actions. What does non-harming mean to you?

Intention

It is the work of the heart to birth intention, rather than that of the mind.

Phillip Moffitt, a Buddhist meditation teacher, offers this article on fine-tuning our understanding of intention and differentiating intention from goal-setting. With goals, Moffitt says “the future is always the focus: Are you going to reach the goal? Will you be happy when you do? What next?” Intention, by contrast, “is a path or practice that if focused on how you are ‘being’ in the present moment.” A goal says “I want to grow a tree.” Intention tends the soil.

 Moffitt is clear that intentions are generated not by the mind, but in the heart (see the intention meditation below). “Goals help you make your place in the world and be an effective person. But being grounded in intention is what provides integrity and unity in your life.”

 Setting an intention is not a one-time event, but a process, a practice. We set our intention and live it. We use our practices (yoga postures, pranayama, meditation, journaling, etc) to move inward into that reflective space to again cultivate those intentions and then we move it back out into the world. We walk it off our mats and into our lives. And then we begin again. It’s this dialectic process of working back and forth between the mat and our lives that allows us to stay engaged in life in a way that is grounded in our deepest truths.

"And now the teaching on yoga begins."

Thus begins the Yoga Sutra, a quintessential text for anyone intending to take the study of Yoga deeper into their hearts and lives. It's easy to see this opening, as Charlotte Bell did, "as a throwaway verse," but on deeper examination, it can be honored as a setting of intention.

Next time you take to your mat, or begin anything -- your day, a task, a conversation -- try pausing to feel an intention take form in the heart. I'll offer here a formal way for creating that pause, but know that even the pause of one breath can create a framework for what proceeds that is more fully-tethered to your inner truth.

Find a quiet space and take a seat which supports the spine. This may be a traditional seated posture, or it may be sitting in a supportive chair. Wherever you may be, sit with purpose. Let your spine be supported by the rooting of the sitting bones and lengthened by the suspension of the crown of the head towards the heavens.  Rest your hands on your knees or thighs.

Inhale as you let your gaze soften to the floor. Exhale as you let your eyes close and your shoulders melt down and back. Scan your senses, bringing your awareness into the present moment. Let your present moment awareness come to focus on your breath.

As your breath lengthens, direct the breath to the heart center. As you breathe in, behold the space of your heart. As you exhale, feel any tightness there float out. As you inhale, draw your hands together in prayer position just in front of the heart. As you exhale, hold the space open as you feel intention arise. Trust whatever comes through -- be it a word, an image, an affirmation, or something you can just glimpse a bit of. Trust that you have more than enough to begin.

As you feel ready, press the thumb knuckles into the heart center to seal your intention. Rub the palms together vigorously to begin to manifest your intention. Split the warm palms over the eyes. As you are ready, open the eyes into the palms -- begin to see with your intention. Float the hands back down to the knees and proceed with your practice, whatever it may be.

Namaste

The Birth of Saoirse

Saoirse Grace

August 1^st, 2016, 3:06am

7lbs, 8oz, 19 ¼”

It’s hard to tell where the birth journey started, as I usually experience contractions throughout my pregnancies, this being no exception. During the week before Saoirse’s birth, I had been feeling some fairly intense contractions (for Braxton-Hicks, enough to make me take notice).  I taught a more intense class load that week, 9 classes because of the addition of “Yoga Week” classes: every morning from 6-7am. I felt very strong physically. I was staring to get a bit more rattled emotionally as the contractions became stronger and we were not yet sure where the birth would take place.

On the Friday before Saoirse’s birth, we had an appointment for an ultrasound and check-in with our partnering OB, Dr. Beatse. At this point, he would give his recommendation for whether we could birth at the birth center or at the hospital. On his measurements, he guessed Saoirse was a “big baby”, measuring at 39 weeks instead of the 36 week gestation we were at. This concerned him because of the possibility for shoulder dystocia: baby getting stuck at the shoulders on the way out. I didn’t find myself concerned about that, given that she is my fourth, that I have had very fast births in the past and, in my sense, that means that passage way is plenty wide!

Another concern was the management of my blood sugar over this pregnancy. I had been put on insulin at 11 weeks with Lulu and had also seen a rise in my blood sugar before pregnancy, so I knew this was an issue to be dealt with. Right at the beginning of the pregnancy, I had taken sage advice from our midwife, Ali, to drastically change my diet (17 years as a vegetarian to eating a low-carb diet of meat and vegetables). I had been able to keep my numbers in an acceptable range with that change and then the addition of metformin about halfway through. However, during the last week of pregnancy, the numbers had gone up. Dr. Beatse’s other concern was that baby would experience a blood sugar drop at birth. Inside of a hospital, this can be quickly treated. It can’t be treated in a birth center and would necessitate a transfer for baby.  Birth in the hospital seemed like the best, safest option at this point.  The one caveat: the hospital in Elkhorn, where Dr. Beatse delivers, is about an hour’s drive from our home. And, our last labor was 2 hours long.

A huge part of this pregnancy, and the gift of this sweet girl choosing me as her momma, has been the ability to heal very deeply the wounds of post-traumatic stress. I had been on this healing odyssey for several years before getting pregnant. I was afraid when I first found out I was pregnant because I knew it would mean letting go of the pharmaceutical support I had come to rely on to keep me steady as I was healing. Throughout the pregnancy, I had opportunity after opportunity to heal the deeper beliefs and cellular memory I had embodied for decades.  Now, nearing labor, I felt the anxiety awakened by the health concerns and the intensifying contractions. I voiced these fears to Dr. Beatse and he assured me that we could check into the hospital at any time to begin augmenting the labor process. Luckily, I had been in the delivery room in April with Dr. Beatse to witness his steady management of slow labor induction with dear friend Sarah as she birthed Margot. I knew I trusted him and that I was in safe, careful hands.

We had time to talk this all through on the way home from Elkhorn. We felt it would be best to take him up on the offer to schedule a time to go to the hospital. We were pretty set on 8/8, one week from Monday. I was preparing for a week at home, settling in and beginning different home measures to stimulate labor.

On Saturday evening, I was awakened by a strong contraction. And then another. After the second one, my mind began to race uncontrollably. I became so anxious that labor would begin at home, that we could end up delivering on the side of the road en route to Elkhorn (there is very little besides trees and fields between Milwaukee and Elkhorn) and the fear that her blood sugar would drop. The anxiety triggered the first panic attack I had experienced in months. I realized later that the feeling of labor setting upon me was feeling so threatening. I felt so out of control. I didn’t want to enter into the birth journey this way. We held each other and finally surrendered to sleep again.

Sunday morning, I awoke with clarity. I would see if I could have a healing reiki session with my dear friend, Kim. And then I would make an appointment Monday to have Ali check my cervix. I knew that some dilation was necessary to do a membrane sweep (a good starting point for slow induction) and so I wanted that information to make a decision about when we should go to Elkhorn.

Text

ACB – Jenna and Jess, our doulas:

“Hold tight – things are changing quickly. Ali is checking my cervix at some point today. Strong contractions in the night. Wanting not to go into active labor at home, so may be going in tomorrow or Tuesday instead.”

I had a beautiful session with Kim. During the work with Kim, I felt my nervous system soothed and a return to balance (I have learned that this is always the case when Kim works on me). She communed with Saoirse and kept speaking the words “joy” and “ready.” She said that she saw bubbles when connecting with the baby, bubbles of joy and that she was totally ready to be born. “She’s ready whenever you are.”

Ali was so generous (as always) and said she would meet me that day, rather than wait until Monday, and so after the reiki, I planned to meet Ali at the birth center at 5pm.  As she was beginning to check me, Ali was giving me a little speech about how I was just 37 weeks and it’s really best if baby can get to 38 or 39 weeks, that rarely do mommas go into labor at 37 weeks. She found her way to my cervix and chuckled, “Well,” she said, “You’re about 3 centimeters and your baby’s head is descending when you laugh. It’s quite cute actually.” She also told me I was 90% effaced. She wanted to know if she should strip my membranes while she was in there. “Not now!” I said. “I want to be closer to the hospital!”

Ali and I talked through a plan. I asked if I should make a plan to go to the hospital Monday or Tuesday. She said “Well, if I were you and I had a strong contraction in the night, I would go to Elkhorn.” I was still anxious, though getting more excited. It seemed pretty clear that we could go down to Elkhorn straight away, or see if there was a contraction in the night. If I slept through the night, we could go in the morning.

I texted Christopher:

“3cm! Pack your bag, it might be tonight. Ali is calling Dr. Beatse.”

“Wow!!Ok. You’re coming home? To get your bag?”

I came home to find that Christopher had interpreted the text to mean we were leaving right away. He was in a mad flurry to get bags packed and things figured out. I gave him a fuller picture of what was up and we both got busy settling things. Mom would come down in the morning. Lulu would go to the Basajs for the day until Mom arrived. Christopher was really nervous and I had an idea: “Should we go to Elkhorn and get a hotel room?” “Yes!” Ananda was busy making me an eye pillow (she has a different way of preparing than we do). Kieran and Lulu would stay home for the night and then Kieran would go off to school and Lulu off to the Basajs in the morning. We hit the road about 8pm and checked into the Hampton Inn in Elkhorn about an hour later.

At check-in, the woman greeted us “How are you all tonight?” Christopher: “SUPER pregnant” We told her the story and she gave us a discount on our room. We settled into room #213. I took a bath, Christopher and Ananda packed everything up so that we could get out the door quickly if need be. I did a bit of yoga, including a bunch of squats and hip circles. I remember looking at myself in the mirror with my red shirt and palazzo pants and really loving my body, this moment. We all got into bed and Ananda slept, but Christopher and I didn’t.

There were a couple of good contractions, nothing that would send me running just yet. And then a pop! I rolled over and felt the leak, my water had just broken! I sat up and patted Christopher “Honey! My water broke!” and we were off. 1:20am. I braced myself and warned Christopher and Ananda that contractions might come on now fast and furious. But, there were no contractions after that, not in the hotel room, not in the car on the way over. We parked and went to the door, found out the main door was not open and walked over to the ER entrance. The woman at the desk checked me in. Again, no contractions, still laughing and bantering. A nurse came from the OB ward to walk us up to room 362: same room as Margot was born in 3 ½ months before.

We met our nurse, Jeanette, and she started to talk through some birth plan choices (we hadn’t had time to put together a birth plan after Friday’s ultrasound). During those questions, contractions started again and they were I-can’t-talk-through-these contractions. I gripped the bed and walked my hips backward to breathe. I went to the bathroom, sharing with Jeanette that I had been a doula in this room and imagining the stories that have come out of this space. Jeanette told me about a momma who stepped over the threshold of the bathroom, squatted down and had her baby on the bathroom floor.

Right when we got there, Ananda began to set up the room with all of the beautiful items from our blessingways. She settled a string of white lights onto the windowsill and draped prayer flags made by the Moon Tribe girls. She placed items on the table to form an altar. It was so beautiful! And I could feel a swell in my heart and bones as I imagined these sacred circles, our tribe, our people, with me now.

I settled into the rocking chair, humming my way through each contraction.  Ananda tried to give me a rock to hold, but I batted it away. I think she also tried to touch me during a contraction and I said “no touch!” I had given her a heads up about that, that I might be brusque and not to take it personally. But thinking back on it, I feel bad. It all got very intense very quickly.

I transferred to the bed and got on all fours. The contractions quickly became very intense, moving into transition. The thought “I can’t do this!” was thundering through my mind as intensely as the contractions. Ananda was pacing and Christopher was right by my side, rubbing my back, giving me counter pressure and holding my hand. I remember Christopher and Jeanette replying to every thing I said with “You are doing it!” And when I would say “I can’t do this!” Christopher would say, “I want to hear you say ‘I CAN do this!’” I did implore Christopher to get a vasectomy and swear quite a bit during contractions. Sometimes, I chanted ooooooommmmmmm. Jenna came in around this time and set up at the end of the bed and chanted right along with me. Later, she shared that Christopher’s papa bear energy was so intense, she stayed back and helped to hold the space energetically.  

Dr. Beatse came in at some point (although I didn’t see him because I was still on hands and knees).  He checked my cervix and I was 7 cm. He asked if I felt an urge to push yet and I cried “No!” With each thundering contraction, I had been longing for the urge to push to follow, but contractions kept coming. I remember thinking that this was the longest transition I had ever had.

Finally, I turned over onto my back. The last 2 or 3 contractions, I felt completely taken over by them. I felt like I was going to climb right out of my body. I remember mumbling “Baby, come out to me. I want to hold you, please come out.” The urge to push came on just as intensely as the contractions and I was instantly pushing with everything. I felt her moving out and then almost as if I couldn’t get her out any more. I felt like she was hung up on my tailbone and the pain was super intense. Dr. Beatse said “Keep pushing, Amy!” (everyone was a little frantic) and then “”Look down, Amy!” and there she was! He looked over his shoulder and called for Ananda. She came and put her hands around Saoirse and delivered her to my chest. And then, I called for Ananda and said, “Come and see your sister!” And she said “I’ve gotta wash my hands!”

Saoirse was very quiet, just one little squack. Jeanette was asking her to squack some more, but she also said that she looked really good and healthy, good color, etc. I just could not believe it was done and that she was here, in my arms.

Christopher, Jeanette and I marveled as she started the “nipple crawl”, making her way across my chest to the left nipple to nurse. Dr. Beatse gave me a stitch and the placenta was delivered.  We left the vernix on and by the time we left the hospital later that morning, it was mostly absorbed.  Ananda and Jenna took a break and went to the family room. Jenna was such a gift to Nani because she had a LOT to process after the labor and birth. She was also a magical balm for Christopher, as she helped to bring him some relief through reiki.

After I was cleaned up and made a trip to the bathroom, Jenna took her leave and Christopher and Ananda went back to the hotel to eat breakfast. I ordered breakfast from the hospital (potatoes! Yipee!), but it was hospital food. Sad, undercooked potatoes. I had texted the midwives when Saoirse was born and Lanette said to let them know if we wanted to come back to Authentic. I said “Yes!” About 11am, after the pediatrician had a chance to check out baby, we left the hospital, with 8-hour-old Saoirse in her clothes and car seat, to head back to Authentic for our postpartum nesting.

Our time in The Nest at Authentic was magical. Eva, the Authentic receptionist, gave birth across the hall at 9:30pm on the 1^st. We had joked at the beginning of our pregnancies about being there together. Eva was due July 24^th and typically gave birth past 40 weeks. Saoirse was due August 21^st and our babies typically come well before that. So, Roman and Saoirse were born the same day!

Grandma came first, as she landed in Milwaukee. Shortly after, the Basajs brought Lulu to meet her sister. Sophie Basaj felt pretty proud that she was getting to meet the baby before Kieran. (I had texted Kieran at school to see if he wanted to be picked up to come over, but he was content to wait until school was over).

All in all, my pregnancy and birth with Saoirse was the healthiest of all of our births. I can’t even imagine the miracle of her coming to be my companion on this healing journey.  She continues to be the sweetest baby, almost ridiculously so. We are all so very much in love with her.

Home Practice for the hesitant Yogi

I admit, I am a little bit of a home practice pusher. If you have ever been in one of our yoga circles, you will hear me talking about "your home practice" as if it is a given -- obvioulsy we ALL have a home practice! And then, when you're that student that really WANTS to have a home practice, but can't quite get STARTED, it can feel a little overwhelming. 

There's nothing like a true story to boost our confidence. So, here is a wonderful story from a student about her experience bringing her yoga practice home:

"I need a teacher or a video, or some visual to guide me through what I am suppose to be doing.  Well, yesterday when I got home, the weather was so beautiful and I was feeling so grateful, I ran upstairs and changed into "yoga wear" and went out on my patio in the sun and started doing every yoga pose I could think of - just random, no flow really.  I found myself smiling from ear to ear with such a grateful heart I just kept moving into different poses for about 25 minutes.  It was so fabulous and uplifting!"

I love this story, becuase it highlights the main issue most of us have about a home practice (where should I START?!) and also lets us see a beautiful solution to that block. 

And, if you need just a little bit more guidance:

\ Trust your body. Most of the time, our body knows what it wants. When we’ve been sitting for a long time, we want to get up and walk, when we’ve been hunched over, we want to stretch the shoulders back and open the heart. See if you can tune in and let your body move you into a good stretch, keeping yourself loose and open.

\ Trust your breath. As breath is the foundation of every movement in yoga, so breath is the center of your being in the world. When in doubt, tune in to your breath. One small step towards bringing yoga into your daily life? Use reminders such as red lights, the sound of a bell, the words “thank you,” etc, to stop and take 5 full breaths.

\ Trust yourself. Start with any poses you remember. Keep building from there and you may be amazed at how easily you begin to expand your home practice. Bring any questions to class and allow the support of the yoga circle to nurture your individual process.

A few practical tips: 

\Try http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/finder/browse_categories for user-friendly, detailed explanations of your favorite poses. 

\As much as possible, try to set aside time where you will be uninterrupted. Light a candle, play meditative music, or in some other way signal that you are taking time for yourself. 

\Bring savasana into your daily routine. As you lie down to sleep each night, scan your body to notice any places where you may be holding tension, stress, or emotional weight from the day. As you notice each spot with the inhale, breathe and release it with the exhale. Transition into smooth belly breaths and drift off in this relaxed state.